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Thursday, July 31, 2003
Hard work
It has been brought to my attention that I should just dump the whole "Thoughts; Recent entry" stuff because it separates the site way too much. So I will make it plain to all and write it out as I used to because I'm sure its a pain in the butt for most to try and read the italics. So even though I'm taking out that section, let it be known that these are still my thoughts and ideas. Ok, on to the post...
We've been taking the trees out of my backyard the past couple days and I realized how bright the sun really is, since I dont get to see it much anymore working in an office and all. It was nice to stretch out my legs and to get a workout the past few days. I realized that I get a bit more satisfaction out of manual labor than I do out of normal office work. Its just nice to get out and do some hard work every once in awhile. Well, I'll be up til 4 AM tomorrow morning with Sean since his sister is hosting a radio show dubbed "The World Domination Potluck" and so if you are diehard enough to stay awake, please listen to her show. Jody's show starts at 2AM and goes to 4AM every Friday morning.
Now Playing - "(Street Fighter 2) Star Salzman - Tatsumakisenputronic - OC Remix"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 10:36 PM
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Wednesday, July 30, 2003
Dreams
Thoughts; Recent entry
"Dreams. Why are there dreams? Why are we allowed insight into our minds through such visions of uncomprehensible data? Whenever we wake up after a dream, we try to put what we've seen/heard together and make sense of it. We try to take this jumbled vision and make it understandable and in one way or another, appliable to our lives. But even though we think it may not mean anything to us after we have the dream, we only wonder why we saw what we did. Why things were twisted around the way they were. If we take the key items in the dream, we can understand only what our mind has been thinking about a lot. Dreams are usually influenced by stress, and so when they occur, it may bring what's really bothering us to our attention.
A man once described dreams as your brain is defragmenting data, and sorting them out, which is why we may experience the jumbled dreams. But I think dreams are much more. They allow me to think about different things that I normally wouldnt think about otherwise."
Now Playing - "Coldplay - Clock"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 11:57 PM
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Tuesday, July 29, 2003
The POSNOS
Well I was working all day in my backyard pulling two humongous trees out, stump and all. So I was pretty thrilled to hear that I wouldn't be in the office for a few days, since this job would take awhile. So I was planning on starting my car after my shower when I go and look at the battery charger I had put on it earlier (because I left my damned headlights on overnight on accident) and it was still saying 50% charged...well, it had been saying 50% for at least 2 hours and so I had my step-dad Len come take a look at it. He first commented on the fact that the engine was spewing out oil. Well, I wasnt too thrilled when I heard we had put the wrong type of oil in the van...oops. So now I gotta go buy a case of oil for the van or the POSNOS as I call it. It came to me when I was watching a NOS nitrous kit for cars, and I thought how funny it would be if i got one for my van, which is a POS. Hence POSNOS. So anyway, we also decided it'd be best to get another battery for it since we think I fried it from letting it run itself down too much, but lucky for me, its got a warranty. Len told me just to go to Jiffy Lube and get it done right for $35, but why not take a second shot at it for $15? I think we'll get it right this time. Well, I'm off to church media group.
Now Playing - "(FF7)OC Remix - Jeremy Robson - Philharmonic Suite Part 1"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 5:55 PM
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Sunday, July 27, 2003
Thoughts to go with it
Thoughts; Recent entry
“Not sure what I should do about this anxiety of myself. Unsure of my surroundings or what to do in this environment, but I suppose what I’m doing now isn’t the right way. Talking seems like such a hard thing for me, being confident is even harder because I’ve been treated like dirt for so long…no…there is no excuse for what I do now. Everyday is a new day, new experiences, new feelings, all given to me by God himself, but lately I’ve been wasting His time because I haven’t learned from my everyday trials. Now that I think of it, I think its because I don’t take initiative. I’m always following somebody, never taking my own wants into action. Always just going with the flow.
I’ve suffered more than I thought from my inability to take action. I’m looked at as some pushover doormat. She doesn’t look at me as an equal, rather, I’m a lowly person still trying to climb to the top, but too afraid to take the chance of falling. Is this why whenever I try to impress you, I get no reaction, no ‘thank you’ or anything? Maybe its because I’m not passing the right test. I’ve probably already shown you before that I once cared, and maybe, just maybe…I still do. I dont know at this point. Maybe I have to take care of my problems with anxiety the people around me, and myself. Will this impress you? By mending my wounds I’ve shown for so long, will this change your thoughts about the child who hides behind another shadow? This will take so much time to fix my problems of anxiety. Weeks, months, maybe years…I hope not, because I wish I could change now. I don’t want to see another one take more and more of your heart, because it hurts me every time to see someone hurt you. Even if it takes too long for me to be good enough and you’ve found someone else, I will be content to know someone was able to make you happy. I blame myself for not being able to figure this out sooner.
Right now I feel so sad, because I’ve never looked at my life in this perspective. Always alone, choosing to never open up truly to anybody. Never speaking up, just following. Now I know it will hard for me to start talking on a normal basis. Bringing up a conversation, talking to people without retreating myself when someone else joins the conversation. I noticed that all this past high school year, during lunch, I’d just sit and stare at the people walking by, talking to each other. People enjoying themselves as they eat their lunch with their friends, while I sit on the wall of the bowl, silent, just observing. Muttering a few words when I’m spoken to. Never really getting involved in conversation, most of the time because what’s being talked about doesn’t really interest me. I like talking about things that matter, things that require some thinking in order participate in the conversation. But most conversations I find, are meaningless to me, so my input is very little. Or maybe this is the reason I give myself, when the problem is really that I avoid people. I don’t want to be talked to. I’ve always been alone, why should it be different now? …because it all depends on me being different. It all depends on my not being alone. So now…I have decided that it is worth trying to enter myself into society, and slowly but surely I will break free of this barrier I created so long ago.”
Now Playing - "Linkin Park - Session"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 9:13 PM
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A new poem
By Ryan Bach
These chains have bound me for so long
Don’t make a mistake, don’t do it wrong
Always watching me for mistakes
They don’t know how much enduring it takes
To go throughout my day alone
Ignoring taunts and the punches that are thrown
Taking no note of what’s been done to me
No one cared to notice or cared to see
And as time went by, the wall had hardened
So used to it now, all the blows are pardoned
For I cared not for those who didn’t care
No one with whom this pain I could share
But this isn’t about the pain, it’s about breaking free
Walking in this dark land, just waiting for opportunity
To find the one who holds the candle lit
Sharing this with one who can handle it
Talking of how I want to break from this
This isolation I surely wouldn’t miss
To speak without hesitation
No longer feeling condemnation
No longer have to be outcast
To feel like I could outlast
But tearing these walls down takes time
Peeling away at the bolded line
Breaking the barrier, passing through it
I can imagine the happiness on the other side of it
I’ll stare at the sky waiting, no matter how late
I know she’ll come along and I’ll no longer have to wait
And when she does, I’ll be able to start this journey
This joy that’s brought knowing that I will soon be free
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 8:13 PM
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Friday, July 25, 2003
Definition of Love
Thoughts; Recent entry
"What is love with no action? How can one begin a relationship based on love if one does not have it? And what is an affectionate action with no love? Is it nothing more than just a motion to go through? If affectionate actions are without love, have they not lost their true meaning? Their true purpose? If you are only in it to make the other happy and you dont know if you love them, are you not just giving them mixed messages? If they are in it for love, and you are only in it for happiness, will this not cause a problem? What if the relationship isnt always full of happiness? Will it crumble or will it succeed? If you try and try and no happiness comes out of it, will you give up? Does not a relationship base itself upon love? So how can it survive without it?
Love is the support to all relationships, should one not have any love, it will fall. This is loves true purpose...to bring people together. To keep them together whether life is hard, easy, painful, joyful, or sad. Love is in relationships, or they will cease to exist."
Now Playing - "The World Domination Potluck *Friday Mornings 2am-4am ( http://www.kuci.org:889 )"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 2:41 AM
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Thursday, July 24, 2003
Owner of a POS 1000, and proud of it
When you think of an '89 Dodge Caravan, most people would think of it being a "family van of the ancient people", and in most respects it is. But I have come to love this van that I inherited from my folks, even if it has been actin' up on me. I've had to give it an oil change that was about 500 miles overdue, filled it up with gas (Note: I do know this isnt such a big deal, but gas is expensive nowadays), and had to clean my extremely corroded battery cables in the past 3 days. The great thing that came out of this was that I learned this stuff and now know how to do it, all thanks to my friend Jeremy. Thanks bud, its much appreciated. Life is good, and even when the times are bad, I can find joy in it. I thank God for that recent installment in my life.
Thoughts; Recent entry
"Never think the word 'excrement' means 'excellent' only better, for you may end up insulting someone instead."
Now Playing - "Linkin' Park - Session"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 10:13 PM
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Tuesday, July 22, 2003
I am the Master of Selection
Had a nice Media group meeting tonight as we got the intro done. We got the music picked out and the intro videos all picked out and put them together. I was sitting at the computer getting most of the stuff put together, however, I let Sean and Kelly hit a few buttons every few minutes so they could get credit. So when we get most of this stuff in, what happens? We have to move everything back again and I had such a hard time doing it the hard way (drag and drop a clip manually), and then once I finished, they happened to let me know about the "Select All" button. So do I use it after I learn this? No...I do it the hard way, cause it is the way of the Master of Selection.
Thoughts; Recent entry
"Hindsight is always 20/20. What they dont tell you is that always looking back distorts your view of the future."
Now Playing - "Moby - Run On"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 10:16 PM
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Monday, July 21, 2003
New week, oh joy!
It's everybody's favorite day! Another Monday has come and we are all about embark on yet another fun exciting week. Just the usual line up for me though:
Monday: Nodda
Tuesday: Youth Media Group
Wednesday: Cell Group
Thursday: Youth Church
Friday: Family Night
...and that's about it for me. Gonna be bored tonight. Hmm...what to do?
Thoughts; Recent entry
I think I've figured out why kids are so afraid of the dark when they're young. I don't think it's because it's dark, but its actually the nothingness implied by it. Being alone, sitting in a land of complete nothingness. Paranoia sets in as normal sounds heard in the night create monstrosities in their minds. Sleep is hard to achieve when the mind is not at ease. As the eyes adjust to the darkness, only dark shadows and shapes can be seen, and sounds of the night are related to shapes and figures in the room, creating multiple creatures of the night, but there is one way to stop your mind from creating such things. A light. A small light reminds you of where you are. At home, in your room, in bed. The shapes in your room are more defined, showing their true definition. The sounds of the night, are just mere sounds. Hmm...its so funny how your mind can take you to another extreme, if the environment is just right. The mind is a very powerful thing as it can easily manipulate reality from one way to another.
Now Playing - "Cowboy Bebop - Elm"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 2:55 PM
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Sunday, July 20, 2003
Shoutouts
I'm pretty tired today, so I've decided to do a couple shoutouts to da peoplez. Here we go....
Mike....I dunno if you've ever read this site once, but what's up bro? Keep the web design business flowin' man!
Yo Sean, little things aren't worth wasting amunition on. Save the shotgun shells for bigger game, neh?
Hey Jeremy, you may think you need a girlfriend, but I think you just need to figure out your priorities first.
Liz, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!?! Miss ya lots.
Sarah, summer school's tough, but you'll make it. I know you will.
Who could forget Doug? Not me. You threaten people too much. I know that's how dictators in the making act, but could you try and not do it so much, ya? =P
This goes out to my homeskillet in Nebraska. Mason, God only knows why you're so smart for your age, maybe too smart for your own good. Is that spider still alive?
Sup all my KoS Buddies, glad to see we're back on Battle.net.
And apologies to anybody I may have forgotten, but I'm tired....
Thoughts; Recent entry
"Life is all about friends and enemies. Make sure you know the difference between the two."
Now Playing - "Smash Mouth - Padrino"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 10:11 PM
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Tuesday, July 15, 2003
Nice working day
Worked a nice 7 hours today, and the whole time, I was trying to fill out one huge order, and we barely got it out in time. I just got a chance to relax once I got back from Church Media Group. Well, I need my sleep, probably another long day tomorrow.
Thoughts; Recent entry
Never succumb to the pattern known as "normal".
Now Playing - "Sublime - Badfish"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 11:50 PM
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Monday, July 14, 2003
Thoughts: Lone Warrior
Thoughts; Recent entry
What is life to the lone warrior? Never truly becoming part of anything, and yet, never truly invisible. What makes one battle the day out, alone with no one to back them up if they cannot handle life's challenges? What motivates the warrior to keep fighting, even if he is alone. How is it that one can last so long in this world, without being attached? Is it pain? Is it memories of darkness? These make up the armor of the warrior, shielding them from further harm, but also shielding them from any good. This armor becomes so thick, so that the heart may not be pierced as it once was. However, what motivates this warrior is hope. Hope that loneliness only becomes a temporary thing. That it will disapate within time, once the heart has healed, and it is safe to remove the thick armor. But such things take time, and this is why he must battle everyday. For he knows that the future is not so lonely. And so everyday, he fights for hope.
Now Playing - "Chrono Cross - Scars of Time"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 11:37 PM
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New cousin, new link, new week.
Went down to Lancaster yesterday with my mother to go see my Grandma, Aunt Laura, Uncle Steve, Cousin Austin, and my new cousin, McKenna. Not too much longer than a one and a half hour drive, so I guess the worst part of the drive was the traffic. Three morons almost hit us yesterday because they weren't looking where they were going. Anyways, when we got there, I looked at McKenna and she was cutest little kid. McKenna just sat and stared at me for awhile, then started smiling. The kid was talking (or saying a few things, but it counts) and actually understanding concepts, was a pretty bright kid if you ask me. She was born a year ago, today, thus making today her first birthday.
Looks like Jeremy's decided he wants to give "Blogger" a try, and so he has created a blog so that he may get his everyday thoughts out in the air. You'll find the link to your left.
Its a new week. I guess I'd say "Yippee Skippee", however, after getting home last night at about 12AM, I'm not that thrilled to work today. Oh well. Guess I need the cash anyway.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MCKENNA
Now Playing - "Booker T. And the MG's - Green Onions"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 10:13 AM
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Friday, July 11, 2003
A lean-mean-driving machine!!!!
Yeah, I passed my driving test with only 1 error, which leads me to believe that my last instructor had a huge stick up his rectum. So now I have gotten passed this troublesome test, and I am free for the time being of such crappy tests.
Jer and I decided to go to Los Cabrillos Gym and Sports Center to get a decent work out. We played Raquetball, or attempted to anyway, then we headed over to the pool where I outswam all of them (Jeremy, Wes, Justin), then we headed over to the gym and worked out for awhile. I ended up rowing 356 meters, biking 3 miles at about a somewhat constant 18 mph, and sprinted about a good mile. Oh yeah, I attempted to do some pull-ups but I ended up only doing 3. *(Note: This is the only thing I find pathetic about my training today.)* So after a nice long workout, we decided to get some grub where we went to the Sport's Bar and ordered some pizza, completely undoing everything we had done in terms of weightloss today. And I must say that the waitress we got was quite the eye candy, however I was a bit upset since she added her tip in the check she gave us, which I find to be quite rude. I probably would have given her a decent tip, but this took the joy out of it.
And that my friends, was my day...good night!
Now Playing - "Offspring - The Kids Aren't Alright"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 8:32 PM
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Am I to become a driver?
Well, I'm off to take my driving test for the second time. Take it easy, gang. Wish me luck.
Also, I'd like to inform you all of the new link I have to the right. Please check it out, it is Jody's site. Jody is Sean's sister and so I think you will come to like her writing.
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 8:20 AM
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Thursday, July 10, 2003
---- Sean's notes on the last post.Please see : "From Sound to Sense: The Surface of summer"
Posted by Sean .xXx. 12:16 PM
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Wednesday, July 09, 2003
Hmm....
Thoughts; Recent entry:
“These tests and trials of everyday life seem to be getting to me now more than ever. During the summer life is bent around work and hanging out with friends, however, as I experience the flow of summer life, I tend to be more stressed about life than I’ve ever been. Finances and future plague my mind with worry. Am I going to make it? Am I going to survive this difficult time in my life?
My parents seem to be upset with how foolish I am with my money, and so they keep hinting at adding more pressure on my budget. Like paying for my insurance, even though they said they would pay for it, since they did the same for my brother. I have not asked for money from my parents for about a year, because I have paid for everything I wanted to do since I have a job. I figure that I need not bother my parents for money when I am making my own, but they still seem to want me to pay them back for all the crap I’ve put them through. And so, to make things better, I’ve been more and more absent from them, bugging them less, out of the house more, doing what I need to, and then going on with my life.
There’s also been this thing that’s bugging me. I’ve yet to meet someone that I can share my pain, sorrow, happiness, and joy with. I’ve been alone for so many years. My parents both work and are home rarely when I am. My father is nothing more than a “friend” at this point for I have lost my common ground with him. I hope that one day, I will meet someone who I can share all this with. Someone who will understand who and what I am, someone who will help me find myself, or rather, help me become complete. Someone…”
Now Playing - "(Chrono Trigger) OC Remix - E-Bison - Time Management"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 12:16 PM
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Monday, July 07, 2003
S-C-R-A-B-B-L-E King
I played a nice game of SCRABBLE last night with my mom and my step-dad, and I must say, I am the SCRABBLE king! By my third word I was ahead of them by 30 points. I guess it was too late for them to do better, at least, that's what they claimed.
I'm about to go to Justin's (Jeremy's Brother) baseball game. I promised his mom that I'd attend the games since she was gone in Vegas.
I miss all of my friends that I made back in Fresno, and I wish I could hang with 'em all again, but I guess that wont be until Winterfest, which is next spring. Never gonna forget these times we've shared.
Now Playing - "Steve Miller Band - Jet Airliner"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 3:40 PM
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Saturday, July 05, 2003
Glad to be back
Wow, that was some week at Church camp in the hot sweaty armpit of California known as Fresno. Yes, it was quite the experience this past week, getting to know God and his wonders, getting to know others, and having fun while doing it. Right now I think I'll just chill for the day, I'm so tired from the trip. Oh, and I'm going to have a decent cup of coffee today since I've been having the crap (synthesized coffee in my opinion) they served up at camp. I guess I'll post a bit more on what happened tomorrow or Monday. Take it easy, y'all. Peace out.
Now Playing - "Steve Miller Band - Take Your Money and Run"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 10:46 AM
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All writings, poems, and rants are Copyright © Ryan Bach. If you want to use my writings, contact me first!
