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Tuesday, September 30, 2003
What a week
Just been a draining week for me, but all of my effort paid off as I now have regained my computer. Unfortunately I was unable to keep it all together as I was forced to format my hard drive and start anew. I lost quite a bit of my files including a story I had begun to write. However, I was able to save a few of my precious files through the use of this very site. Acquiring my poetry was easy enough (thank God I posted them). So I've finally gotten things together.
Ok, new stuff. Got rid of my ole TV (which now stands outside on the curb with a "FREE" sign attached to it) and replaced it with a brand new 27" Flat Tube TV. Also, I've moved my computer upstairs so I dont have to put up with anymore crap from the parents downstairs.
Schools launching off and getting up to speed as most of the teachers are getting into the good stuff. I was a bit annoyed last night as I had about 3 hours of non-stop homework, only to find out the next morning that the teacher desided not to collect.
Well its late, but I wanted to give you guys a heads up, Realm of Thoughts is back up and I should be posting on a regular schedule now.
Now Playing - "(FFVI)OC Remix - Maestrodeclure - Rachel's Gift"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 11:07 PM
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Tuesday, September 23, 2003
Sorry for the inconvenience
It seems that my computer has gotten a virus of which I have no clue how to get rid of for the moment. However, if plans goes as they should, I should have my computer up and running again in the next day or so, depending on the measures I will have to take. I have also gotten a new screen name, but due to the fact that the guy who gave me this lovely present, if I say it here, I will have chance of getting my name taken over by his hacking, so you will recieve a message from me shortly after I get my computer back up and running. All of my writing, and long-term homework is currently at a stand still, which bites, cause I have a lot of stuff I need to work on. So...the reason you aren't seeing much from me is because I've been having my time consumed by this computer problem. As a result, the Realm Of Thoughts is closed temporarily (unless you want to Sean), so feel free to dig through the archives, I'm sure there's quite a bit that's interesting enough to read. Again, I am sorry for the inconvenience, it may be boring on your side...but its far from that over here.
Now Playing - "Dj Sasha, Dj Plump, Dj Icey, and Dj BT - Breakbeat Mix"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 7:38 PM
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Tuesday, September 16, 2003
His Home
I just felt the need to sit down today and write a poem, about life, about the only One who cares about it, and why I must go on in my life. It sounds like a shot in the dark, but I got through it quite well, God inspired me for this one, nothing of mine own. Here it is...
By Ryan Bach
Another year has passed
How long does this life last?
Will I live another year longer?
Another year to become stronger?
With more trials and tests
Knowing all this time its in my best interest
To continue on this everlasting road
Taking up more, adding to my load
This life, so fragile, I must protect
Hiding all the cracks so that no one can detect
For God is the one I know will guard
My soul, His house, my body, His yard
How many times has death knocked at the door?
It matters not, I trust my Master to be sure
For no storm shall knock me down
No earthquake will shake me to the ground
For I stand strong in the Lord
I trust that He will not open such a door
But as this house becomes old with rot
I know that God will not have forgot
When my walls have fallen in
I’ve lost myself in sin
When I realize and turn myself around
I know that Christ’s extended arms will be found
For even though my life was in ruin
I know that He died for all of my sin
And again this house will stand strong and firm
With God’s help I know I can learn
To pull myself out from the desperate lands
To put my life and problems into God’s hands
I can’t watch the people out there feeling empty and alone
I must tell the entire world, you too can be His home
This poem goes out to a very dear friend of mine. I hope that I have given them the words they needed to hear, and I hope that they can make it through the day with God's strength holding them up.
Now Playing - "Samuel Barber - Agnus Dei"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 5:41 PM
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Monday, September 15, 2003
Into the past...
You guys have seen me talk about the Personal Statement of which I had to write for my English class in previous posts. An assignment. One that has caused much grief to return to me. Caused me to remember my anger, my pain, my sadness, and my suffering. Its affected my mentality these past few days. My isolation has returned. Trying to hide this trouble I’ve been dealing with for so long from people who would never understand what it is. I don’t really much understand it myself. I realize that I cannot hide it any longer; I cannot hold it in. So I put it here for those who wish to see, to be able to see. For those who wish to know, to be able to know. For those who wish to understand a little bit about Ryan Bach and why he has become what he is.
I can remember the nights when I’d be walking the streets of the enclosed private neighborhood, and as I’d approach my father’s house, I would hear yelling going back and forth between my step-mother and my father. I remember when I’d walk up the stairs to the living room and find them screaming at each other while my step-sister, Allison, would sit at the top of the stairs, crying because they had yelled at her when she tried to stop them. My step-brother, Sean, had left out the door to avoid the battle in the living room. By now, the argument was about something so trivial that I would decide not even to make my presence known so as not to provoke any more arguments that I possibly could bring to attention.
Not all nights at my father’s house were like this, but the fights were often enough to where I knew what to do when it happened. It was like a storm, wait it out, it’ll calm soon. Keep out of it and you’ll be OK. But every time a fight occurred, I couldn’t help but be afraid another divorce was about to happen, it scared me even more when I could hear my name yelled out in the midst of an argument. Was it my fault they were fighting? Was all this screaming and yelling about something I had done? I would go back to my mother’s house at the end of each weekend of a fight with those questions in my mind. At my mother’s house I would come home knowing that I wouldn’t have to see those fights, I wouldn’t have to see all of the pain it caused.
Unfortunately, the questions still lingered in my mind and I became deeply confused and depressed about the original divorce between my mother and my father when I was three years old, and the current situations of that time. My mother had set up counseling sessions with a psychiatrist with hopes that I would come out of my depression. For six years, I had these sessions. I was age 12 when I was finally able to understand and deal with the given family situation.
Although, coming back to my mother’s house after each time my step-mother and father fought only changed the situation I was in. For a while, before my mother remarried, she was constantly working late at her job so that she could support my brother and I. During that time she was gone in the afternoons I was left in the watch of my older brother, Michael.
My brother and I are really only half-brothers, though we never thought of it that way; our fathers were different. We got along most of the time, but it bugged me so much back then because my brother would be the one making all of the rules, and being a young kid, it felt unfair. However, the difference between he and I was that I could see my dad every other weekend. He could not because his father was living in a different part of the state at the time. So I can understand why he really never liked me being around, whether it was envy, or just sadness, every time he saw me with my dad, he wished he could be with his.
Soon my mother had remarried my step-dad, Leonard, who, at the time, I really didn’t like. I didn’t like the idea that someone was replacing my father, who I love so much. This was very confusing to me, I believe I was eight years old at the time. I was angry at my mom for remarrying, I didn’t want someone else to come between her, my brother, and I. Call it selfish, but I didn’t want to lose my mom’s love, and have it shared with some stranger. However, it was not my life, it was not my choice, he would live with us.
It took some time for me to get used to someone else in the family, it just complicated things when I went to my father’s house. I felt as if I had failed him, betrayed him, because I now had a step-father. But my father comforted me, telling me that he wasn’t a substitute, just someone to be a father-figure while I wasn’t with my dad. A sort of aide.
I grew to understand this idea, and I grew up, and beginning to let up my hatred for Len, I began to understand the situation I was in. It took awhile, but I had discovered ways of which to deal with my problems, I soon began to write poetry and get very interested in computers, namely the games on them. By using these things to express myself and keep myself busy, it kept my mind at ease; it let me deal with the problems in both families.
By using the pain from both family situations, I am able to write incredibly well, imagine things I never could otherwise, and use them to express myself, whether it is with my friends or on the online community. I have the determination to stick to my goals of life. Never letting what happened to me, happen to my children when I have a family. Never let them go through what I had to. So I strive to become the best at what I do. I strive to become great in my poetry, my writings, and the graphics I make on my computer.
Friends have been hard to find between my Elementary and Junior High years. Once I had to leave my schools, friends would be left behind, never to be seen again. It wasn’t until High School that I was able to have friends I knew that I wouldn’t have to leave behind once school had ended. They became my new family, people who cared about me, people who would have a mutual appreciation with me. They are the people who encourage me to continue on with my dreams and goals of life.
My church, my belief in God, that is my hope for the future. My belief that He wishes to use me. By means of my poetry, my writing in general, or my computer abilities. I am proud to know that God has brought me to where I am now, has planned something very important for my life and is preparing me for it now. Despite my past, I know with God’s help, the love of my family and friends, I can become what I was destined to be. The very best I can be.
As I wrote this though, I felt as if I didn’t have the right to feel pain, to feel bad. As if I was ungrateful for the childhood I had, even if it wasn’t like a family should be. There are others out there who didn’t even get what I had. Does this rob me of the right to have a hard time in my life? This I do not know, but either way, I still feel this pain. Still dealing with the cards I was handed. Should I see it as a card game? They have the royal flush, but at least you have the two pair, the other guy didn’t have anything at all. Now that I think about it though, it doesn’t matter. Either way, we both lost.
Now Playing - "30 Seconds to Mars - Edge of the Earth"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 5:11 PM
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Friday, September 12, 2003
Edgy mood
I've been in one of the most edgy moods lately. I've been irritable, I've been treating people with less respect than they deserve, and I've been downright mean. All of these things I find in myself to be out of character, considering who I am. Of course there is no real reason of which to put the blame on, since I must take responsibility for my actions. However, the reason for it is because I have been digging back through my deep and dark past for a paper that I need to write. Problems I thought I had dealt with long ago are coming back to my mind, playing over and over in my head. My regrets have returned, of which I thought I had gotten over as well. Memories I wish I would never go over again, are constantly haunting my mind, itching at my attention. Trying to put all this aside and go on with my daily life has been quite the task.
So in conclusion, for all of those who have been affected by my anger, I hope that you can accept my apology. For those who I have caused you to be angry with me, I apologize to you as well.
Now Playing - "FF8 OST - Find Your Way"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 4:36 PM
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Wednesday, September 10, 2003
The "Why-you-should-let-me-in-your-university" Essay
Boy this essay that I will be writing soon will be one tough cookie. Writing about yourself isn't always the easiest thing, and what's worse is that you have to boil everything down to 2 pages.
"2 pages!? That's easy, why you complaining if you have to write?"
Well, that would be because of the questions that they ask you to answer. First, you must describe your family situation, and as some of you know, mine isnt the easiest to describe in a couple paragraphs. Second, you must describe conflicts currently in your house. Oh joy, that's just a lovely subject to come to right now. Lastly, you must describe your darkest hour, only my darkest hour was the 8 years of my life trying to understand my family situation as it was, why my dad was gone, why I didn't have a normal family, and so on and so forth. Yeah, 8 years of my life is just so easy to cram into 2 pages. So, instead of writing my sob story of a childhood, I'm only going to tell them who and what I have become because of it, because of what's happened in my life. But it will still be hard to do. Points of life are just too hard to understand in that small amount of pages. Even if I wrote it in 4 font, it still wouldn't get enough words down to explain what a person like me would go through.
I should also mention that I am taking a 2 year college since scholarships are out of the question, and yeah, my GPA has sucked the past few years. Did I mention that I'd be eating from the campus dumpster everyday cause I dont have the cash to pay for this expensive crap? Sorry, I dont think I want to pay for the "prestige", I want to pay for the knowledge, and $1000 a unit is a bit too much. Anybody that has an extra $40,000 out there, feel free to email me about where I live, and you can send it in the mail, otherwise, there's no way I'd be going until later, when I might possibly be able to afford it.
*EDITED PORTION* I hadn't noticed this until later today, but digging through my past has made me irritable and eager to express my anger at my own life. I have many regrets in my past, many about my family and what I did. Call it complaining, call it a guilt trip, I dont care because not many know about my past, not many care to even find out. I dont blame them. My past isnt the greatest, and it probably doesnt even compare to the grief that somebody else's past might have caused, and I feel that sometimes I'm not being grateful for the past I had, even if it wasn't the greatest. I...I just can't explain how it is I feel. I'm wishing I could go back, make things better, but in my own mind, I know, it will never be possible, this causes me more grief, cause so many things I did, made my family life the way it is.
However, I must come to the conclusion that life becomes what it must. Things happen because they were set when a course of events had taken place. It has been a trying time today, and sadly, the tests given to me today by God, I have truly failed. Failed as a friend, failed as a Christian, and failed as a son. I only hope that my friend Liz (if she will even let me call her that), God, and my mother will forgive me for my anger, irritability, and poor judgement.
Now Playing - "Moby - Natural Blues"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 5:41 PM
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Tuesday, September 09, 2003
Words of Encouragement
You never really notice how your words actually affect people. Demeaning jokes about people, they may be an inside joke, but the words are remembered and stored. The pain of it all is still felt, but is kept from plain view.
To the person receiving it, it constantly bugs them, filling their head with thoughts: Why do they always say that? Am I really like that? Do they really mean it? Is it true?
These thoughts in their heads soon lead to ideas that they actually have a problem. "They wouldn't have said that to me if they didnt mean it." They begin to believe the lies in their head, it causes much stress in their mind, because whenever someone else adds to it, they begin to believe those lies even more. Little things begin to make big implications to them. Something said that wouldn't normally be a problem makes them extremely defensive. They grow angry over the smallest implication that there is a problem with them. Maybe because they're in denial of all the lies in their head, which they aren't wrong to be, but it causes many problems in the future for them.
All this seems really vague, but I've meant it to be, sure all of this isn't really typed out in its most final form, but that was intended. I want the reader to do some thinking on their own. Let the words sink into your mind and bug you for a bit. When was the last time you said something that was demeaning? When was the last time you said something encouraging? For some of you, the answer to the second question is more surprising to you than the first. Trust me, I was shocked when I had answered these questions myself.
So remember that what you say is heard and still has its effects, whether those effects were intended or not. Be aware that what you say to someone has the power to cause pain and confusion in their life, it also has the power to uplift them and give them motivation to go on in life. Plain and simple, kids.
YOUR WORDS HAVE POWER
Now Playing - "Blind Melon - Change"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 4:41 PM
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Friday, September 05, 2003
New site under construction...
I've got a class for Digital Imaging this year, so if its anything that I think it is, I'll most likely be needing a new site to post my pictures so that I'm not robbed of them at the end of the year when they dont even let me save my work to a disk. Why RavenFrost Arts? I dunno, I just think its catchy. The name actually originates from a StarCraft map I created long ago, back when StarCraft was fun to play, back when it wasn't n00bed out. I wont say anything about that, cause I know there's a lot of people out there who disagree with me on that. Anyway, the site will most likely take me a few weeks to get up and going, putting the links and such together, but I hope that many will enjoy what I put there.
BTW the link is down below "OC Remix". Just in case you hadn't already noticed.
Now Playing - "(FFIX) OC Remix - NoppZ - Jammin' Loneliness"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 11:00 PM
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Tuesday, September 02, 2003
Friends are forever
I've been thinking back about all the people I've met and held friendships with. I can remember times in which I had very few, but I am glad that my friends are an abundance now. Some of my friendships I've kept for years, some are fairly recent, but all of them are important to me.
I remember back at the times where I first met these people and it brings a smile to my face because it surprises me how such a meeting of these people ended up being longtime relations. Like the first time I met Jeremy, we happened to be in the same class for Freshman year and we ended up sitting next to each other laughing about how stoned or drunk our teacher was. Another year later we were in the same class for Sophomore year, and we'd always joke about our teacher who stuttered constantly. After that we were pretty much hanging out with each other and being friends. Sean and I, for another example, I believe we met either on Winterfest or at youth church just before it, but it was pretty much a joke if you could ever think we'd be friends. He hated me at the time and I never really understood why (until later). But I kept insisting that I hang out with him, only because he was the only real person I could see me hanging out with. Everyone else was either popular (in the preppy sense) or was just doing there own scene, but what I also saw in Sean was his ability to see things as they are, very real when it comes to the point, and very blunt. So eventually he and I came to a mutual friendship and have been friends ever since. I doubt I will ever break my friendships with either of these two for any reason, for they are very very important to me.
Of course, like all relations, I've had bad times in my friendships, but we've always seemed to get through them, only because we realized that our friendship was more important than whatever we were fighting about. It takes time to get over such things, but I always say that a friendship should always have more worth than something to argue about. If you throw away a good friendship over one instance or argument then what was your idea of that friendship in the first place? A joke? An act?
Friends are all about being there for you when you need them most, whether you realize you need them or not. Friends are there to tell you what you least want to hear, but need to anyway. Friends are there to shelter you when you need a home, friends are there to help you up when you've collapsed to the ground. Friends are there to expose your problems and issues so that you can fix them with their help. But they dont do it for themselves, they are always helping for the other person, even though you may not have asked for their help, it is still their choice to help you, because they aren't doing it for themselves, its for you. Friends are selfless when you are in need, friends are a truly wonderful thing, and I thank God for all he gave me, even when I didnt think it was a whole lot, I thank Him. Friends are given to you by God, I think, and I dont think I'm too far off when I say that.
Now Playing - "(Mega Man 3) OC Remix - Disco Dan - Blue Lighting"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 5:10 PM
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All writings, poems, and rants are Copyright © Ryan Bach. If you want to use my writings, contact me first!
