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Tuesday, December 30, 2003
Facing your fears
Lately I've been worrying about upcoming decisions in my life. Worrying that I wont have the wisdom to make the right choices. Afraid that I'll screw up what I desire the most. Will everything work out for the best or will I screw it up?
Plus with an added affect of running through possible futures in my mind. Countless scenarios play out in my mind. It's so scary to see my nightmares unfold in this realm of thoughts. To see the worst happen, and then to regain focus on the here and now. Leaving me with my breath heavy and my body paralyzed. The fear of the forseen atrocity lingers.
These nightmare daydreams haunt me because I am vulnerable in my state of anxiety. I'm constantly second-guessing myself even though deep within, I know I am doing the right thing. Pushing aside my fear hasn't been easy, but I've been making headway lately.
And then I read this Bible verse a few days back which changed my perspective on anxiety. In Matthew Chapter 6, there is a verse that brought me strength.
"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself..."
That verse, along with the verses before it, told me to "Live and let God". I shouldn't worry about how well it will go, if its meant to be, it will be. God will provide what is necessary for me. It showed me that I should have more faith in Him than I did. He will take care of me. Always.
Fighting off my fears isn't going to be easy, but one day I will no longer have to worry anymore.
Now Playing - "Audio Adrenaline - Chevette"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 12:34 AM
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Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Happy Holidays
Hey guys, I know I haven't posted in forever....so I'm posting now. But merely just to inform you that I won't be posting on a regular basis because it is my vacation for the holidays and what not, so don't go whining cause I'm not posting.
On a happier note, hope Christmas is great for all of you and I hope that you all can enjoy your time with the family. Just know that Christmas is not your birthday, so don't go complaining if you didn't get everything on your list. Know that God gave his gift to you....the life of His only Son. So give thanks that you are saved by His Son's life.
Again, happy holidays to everyone and I hope that you all enjoy your time off (if you get it off).
Now Playing - "AC/DC - Thunderstruck"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 11:16 PM
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Thursday, December 18, 2003
Time to rest
Well I should be doing my Econ homework but I think I can afford a few minutes or so of procrastination. After all, tomorrow is the last day of school for this odd crazy year of 2003.
Ok, so the past few days have been a living black hole of "suck" because I've gotten no sleep due to my lovely sickness, and yet I'm still going to school because I cannot afford to miss any more days of school. Huzzah, after tomorrow, I can actually rest and rid myself of this illness the right way. I've been in a miserable mood the past week because of this constant coughing (its actually more than that, but I'll spare you the details) and so forgive me if I'm writing like a bastard.
Helped out my good friend Liz with her 10 page report on Wyatt Earp, his brothers, and their influence on the town of Tombstone. Was a grueling 4 hours, but we finally got it done. Apparently her partner flaked and so she had to write everything herself, with the help of my careful editing. Towards the end of the night, things began to get tense as it was already getting late and we just wanted it done. We had to print it 3 times because we kept finding different problems in the report. It would've been a good idea to bring in a third party with a fresh mind to proofread as our minds were so adament about finishing that we were overlooking things. But alas, at 8:30 or so, we finished. I sure hope we get an "A" cause if we don't...let's just say her school is gonna be looking for a subsititute teacher while the guy is healing, cause when you put so much effort into something, you should get a good grade. That is, however, only in a world where things are "fair". And "fair" in this world is merely a suggestive term rather than a real model of scale.
And so, again, I realize that I still have to do my Econ...even though it was due today and we took the test on it today...minor details.
Bodagem.
Now Playing - "(Zelda)OC Remix - The Rabbit Joint - Rabbit Joint Cover"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 10:15 PM
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Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Dusting the truth
I walk through these halls with no trace of being upset or happy. How can I not notice you walking down these halls with that skip in your step? So you walk over and...
"Hey, what's up?"
That's the dreaded question now isn't it? But if I started telling you would you really listen to me?
"Eh, life at home's been getting a bit hectic. Everyone's just a bit tense-"
"OH HEY BUDDY! Come chill with us, we were just talking about....what were you saying?"
"It's nothing. Look, I gotta get to class. Catch ya later."
Why do I even try to talk to you? Nobody wants to talk about their lives at home while at school. No, we gotta hide whatever's going on in our life under the rug whilst we talk with each other about trivial matters. Why should I join in trying to kid myself. Why can't we talk about our lives for once? Maybe we'd all understand ourselves a bit more if we did that? Or is that going beyond that bounds of a friendship? Maybe people wouldn't be so defensive all the time whenever it came to life subjects. But that's not gonna happen any time soon cause we'd rather dust it under the rug.
And that's why I find satisfaction in the fact that when I come home, I can look down at my two dogs and say "Hey girls, would you like to hear how my day went?" And they'll answer with their wagging tails and bright eyes.
Now Playing - "Ozzy Osbourne - Crazy Train"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 10:04 PM
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World of the anonymous
We walk through the same thing day in day out, see the same thing everyday. Pass by the same people, same places, and same things everyday. Walking by anonymous faces everyday, what am I supposed to notice inside them? Are they one in the same person? One entity, put in place for reasons unknown? In the right spot at the right time, as I walk pass them day after day. Why are they there, I ask. Is there some significant reason that they are at here, or is it merely chance? So I ignore them, continue with my tasks. By no means are they unimportant, but what good is it if you can't understand there existance? The chosen few whose lives I enter in, become a part of, have a bigger meaning in my mind. Maybe I search so deeply into their lives because my purpose has become blurry, misunderstood. Hoping that if I find theirs, I'll know what to look for in mine. Am I searching to find the meaning of their existance? Looking for answers, but I wont find any. Merely hints of "who, what, when, where, and why".
Why is it that they were chosen rather than the kid a few yards away? What of these unknown souls? These smiling faces, raised eyebrows, enthusiastic voices; these faces so full of joy cannot hide their inner quandry. Behind their laughter, they are full of confusion. I can see inside them, their hearts calling out to God. They can't hide these feelings of uncertainty, most of the time trying to hide it from themselves. Afraid to jump into the spiritual even though their heart yearns for it so.
These faces I do not know, the "average people", aren't average at all. Fully unique in every way, but we forget that they have souls, that they are searching too for the meaning of their existance. We ignore them, pass by, its somebody elses job. I dont want to.
Now that I think about it, maybe they happen to be at the same spot everyday so that we might realize this and have the chance to say something. The chance to give some light as to why they are here. God's wonderful gift of life was given to us all, and yet a lot of people still dont know why they live.
Now Playing - "(Chrono Trigger) OC Remix - Suzumebachi - Forever"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 9:37 AM
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Monday, December 15, 2003
Inner happiness
Ryan: Hey Brain.
Brain: Ahh, Ryan, it's been awhile. So nice to be talked to again.
Ryan: Yeah, well...
Brain: What's bothering you?
Ryan: I just keep having these thoughts as if I were going about life all wrong. My life doesn't seem to flow as smooth as everyone else's seem.
Brain: Well that would be because their life isn't flowing smoothly at all.
Ryan: How so, things are good for them, their life is goin well, but I just can't seem to find happiness.
Brain: Even when the times look good, they're still dealing with the crap everyday life throws at them.
Ryan: Yeah...but I'm so tired of seeing everyone else so happy, and not being able to find it myself. What makes them so full of cheer? Is it their girlfriend or boyfriend? Is it just their friends? I just feel so left out in this world. So distant from any other person.
Brain: Feeling lonely again?
Ryan: Yeah...even though I'm not. I have Christ in my heart and God in my mind, but why is it I feel so alone?
Brain: I dont know. In a sense, you're never alone. You've always got that feeling of "wrong and right". Those feelings in your heart to help someone, and feelings to encourage others. Feeling of content whenever you're alone.
Ryan: Somehow the feeling isn't as content anymore. I know I'm not alone in that sense, but going alone in this world without a companion....without someone to share life's trials with makes me gloomy.
Brain: Your day will come.
Ryan: Yeah? When is that?
Brain: In due time.
Ryan: In other words, not in the near future.
Brain: Maybe...maybe not.
Ryan: That's reassuring.
Brain: I think you need to be content with yourself and all your going through before you can really appreciate someone else and their life.
Ryan: Jeez....that kinda hurts. But you're right.
Brain: Sorry to be so blunt, but you were getting annoying.
Ryan: Glad to hear you really care.
Brain: Well, now you know.
Ryan: Heh, thanks Brain.
Brain: No problem.
Ryan: Maybe we'll have another one of these chats again.
Brain: That would be nice.
Ryan: Good night, Brain.
Brain: Night.
On another note, I have decided that marquee for the Now Playing section would be truely and utterly annoying.
Now Playing - "Newsboys - Entertaining Angels"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 10:09 PM
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Man Behind the Madness
Hey guys, just thought I'd drop in and show you what I've been up to in my Digital Imaging class. Here's the pic that I worked on for my self portrait. Took me about three days to take the pictures and correct them, put them together, and make them nice and tidy. I've got nothing else to do in class today so I'm putting this up for all of you to enjoy.
And now you can see the writer behind the thoughts.
Now Playing - "(Punchout!) OC Remix - Scott Peeples - Dream Fighter"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 8:37 AM
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Sunday, December 14, 2003
El Faro
Boy, its nice to be back home. The El Faro trip went better than expected. After the nice drive there, we got out of the SUV's and stretched our legs as kids varying in ages raced to the orphanage fences to greet us. I was instantly shocked to see that these kids were all orphans. So many of them, I was a bit confused at first to find that a lot of them were really happy to see us. Their eyes were so...full of hope. It reminded me of how I used to be when I was a little kid. So full of hope and so quick to happiness when someone was going to be with me.
We unloaded the SUV's and took all the food, drinks, and presents into their kitchen. One look at this kitchen reminded me of my old elementary school's cafeteria, nothing special, but a nice place to eat nonetheless.
After we got everything settled, I went out to go hang out with a few of the kids. First kid I got to test how much Spanish I remember was Michael (Mic-KY-el) who was about 5-6 years old. It was easy enough to get their names and ask them what they wanted to do, but it was so hard to understand what they were saying when they tried to tell you a story of what they had done earlier or whatever. I felt like an idiot because I had to ask him to repeat so many times (he wasn't exactly articulating), and then my replies were shoddy at best. He really didn't seem to mind that I wasn't able to communicate that well, I think he was just happy that someone was taking the time to try and spend time with him. He ran off after awhile (probably got tired of trying to talk to me) and I went to go help someone else in our group who didn't know a word of Spanish. Walked up to a boy who was yelling out to me, asking me to push him on the swing. This little guy was a diehard swinger. Kept asking to swing him faster and faster. I was pushing him for a good five minutes or so and then I was called to go help move some heavy things. The kid kept calling out to me "No dont go. Keep pushing me", and I had to keep telling him "Tengo que ir". The kid was really upset...and I felt bad, cause he had the look as if he had just been abandoned. In truth, it felt as if I had commited some heinous crime because I saw that look on his face, even though I told him I would return.
So I walked into what looked like the old kitchen to find 2 fridges, one freezer, and a sink-looking thing that needed to be moved out of the room. They had unplugged the fridges a few months back it seems cause when we looked inside, there was stuff growing on the stuff that was growing on the food. So me and a few guys moved the stuff outta there despite the horrid smell emanating off of the fridges.
After moving the fridges, freezer, etc. it was time for lunch. I sat down with these two little girls who were so funny. One of the girls, Stephanie, asked me how to say "Sponge Bob Square Pants" in English, then continued to play a "poking" game during lunch, while the girl next to me who was a bit mean, but still funny. She'd constantly pinch me and tell me to "Shhh" and then I'd just keep talking with others in our group as everyone else was talking. Then the girl nudges me and says in English "You want a piece of me?". At hearing this from this little girl I started laughing pretty hard. She continued to say it and then I'd just return the comment and say "You want a piece of me?".
After lunch I headed outside to play a hacky sack version of Volleyball. We played for about an hour and had a good game going. And then I was notified that it was time for us to leave. I was saddened to hear it, but I let the people that I was playing with know that I had fun, and that I hope they did too. We said goodbye to all the kids and loaded up the SUV's. We rode towards the border just talking about the kids and how we'd like to go again. When we got to the border we were all pretty tired. Some of us just slept, but I stayed awake the whole time even though my eyes were getting heavy. I talked with Tony and Steven about different classic bands we knew and just got into deep conversation about it, laughing at how they would sing along over the walkie-talkies. These guys are the greatest to go on road trips with.
When we got back to the church it was about 8:30 and I was surprised to find that I was awake enough again to drive home. But the second I got home, I said "Hi, good night Mom" and then ascended to my bedroom and went to sleep. It only took me a few minutes to fall asleep, I had only been up since 3:40AM with only 5 hours of sleep.
The trip to El Faro was such an awesome experience and I'm really hoping to go again sometime soon. I'd like to and see those children again and maybe be better at speaking Spanish next time.
On another note, its Sunday night and I haven't done my cartooning homework yet. Oh well. I guess I'll have to draw quickly tomorrow.
Now Playing - "Dido - Don't Think of Me"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 10:51 PM
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Friday, December 12, 2003
South for the Border
Alas, tomorrow I leave for El Faro, Mexico for a mission trip. Our youth set this up a few weeks ago and I decided to go for whatever reason. Of course I want to be charitable and help the orphans, but I must admit that was not my initial reason for going. However, that's all changed now. I'm going because I can contribute what Spanish I know to our cause.
We'll be heading down to an orphanage to give gifts to some teens. Then we'll pretty much chill with 'em for the rest of the day. Gonna be a fun day. I dunno, I always liked being charitable and doing things for those in need. Makes ya feel good inside knowing you helped someone out.
So for all of this, I'll be going to bed early and rising really early (3:30 AM), but the day will be worth it. Well I gotta stop writing, my mother's "on the rampage" (reference of Great Expectations) as one would say. Gotta go.
Now Playing - "Telepopmusik - Animal"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 6:13 PM
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Wednesday, December 10, 2003
Sick with boredom
Woke up this morning with a sore throat carried on from last night. Walked into the bathroom to see a streamline of mucus running down my throat. First thought that came to my mind: lovely. I always seem to get sick when I most need not to be. I've got an El Faro trip comin' up this Saturday and I can't rightly go if I'm carryin' a cold bug. Lets hope that I'm healed within the next two days. I sure hope so.
Anyways, went to school today and pretty much had nothing to do for my first two classes. So I slept 'em out. Then I went to Foods class and ate our Kielbasa Souffle and Cinnamon rolls. Good eatin', the souffle was like an imploded cheese and pork omelet. After our Christmas brunch, I went to English and slept again since my teacher yakked on and on about 4-year college stuff. Seeing as how that doesn't apply to me (community college + transfer), I saw it as ample opportunity to sleep. Econ was guest speaker telling us how "truely wonderful" it is to go to Fashion college. Sorry, not for me.
So after a pretty meaningless day, I came home and slept in hopes that I'd feel better because of it. It helps but I gotta keep chuggin' the chicken soup if I want to be better soon.
Thank God for Chicken Noodle soup!
Now Playing - "Jars of Clay - Like A Child"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 6:17 PM
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Monday, December 08, 2003
HAPPY 1000TH HIT REALM OF THOUGHTS!
Its only been about half a year since I started this journal site and I'm so glad to see that it is being read. I didn't end up putting the "hits counter" until around September or so, so I know this is not technically the 1000th hit of the site itself, but I dont plan on being technical. Thanks for readin' my site, kids. You give me reason to keep this place going.
Now Playing - "Queen - Here I Stand"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 9:27 PM
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Christmas Mayhem
Well, I can say with disappointment that today's school day was completely pointless, as are most Mondays. But I was just figuring that I might have something worthwhile to do today. So because of the lack of interesting activities in today's learning phase, I've been bored out of my mind and became lathargic. The only thing I learned today was that Crayola evidently makes "Multi-cultural" markers. Apparently "Fleshtones" would have been offensive. Why does everyone always have to be so damned politically correct?
By the time I got home, I went upstairs and collapsed onto my bed and lay there for about an hour. Got back up, went to work. It was somewhat upsetting to find that in that hour, it really went by fast. I didn't sleep, just stared blankly into the wall beside my bed. In my mind, a few minutes past, however, in reality it was an hour. Yeah, I was upset.
So after work I went over to Sean's house and helped him out with his Christmas lights. I figured its only fair since he and Jeremy helped me out on Saturday with mine. My mother also wants me to go to her friends house so I can put lights up on their house too. Mind you, I despise working with these newly invented lights that have "special traits" to 'em. What ever happened to just the good ole fashioned 100 ft. strands of either all white or multi-colored? Just two choices. White, or colored. You didn't have to worry about placing it just right, making sure the angles were correct. Nah, you just had to make sure you had enough length on the strands.
Anyway, after helping Sean, I ran over to choir and practiced the songs along with the rest of the youth choir, then returned home. And now I am grumbling over Econ homework. One chapter to go....woohoo.....yeah, this bites.
Now Playing - "Sum41 - Better Off Dead"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 8:30 PM
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Saturday, December 06, 2003
Friends R Family
I was reading a very enlightening perspective this evening written by Jody and I must say that it got me thinking about some things.
I know I'll be way off subject, so I want to apologize to the author, Jody, ahead of time.
Love is like a wild card. Showing many faces, it can be expressed many ways. Through a smile, an embrace, a kiss, your words, your gestures, and other such actions. But at the basis of all these things, compassion and concern are its components. Love isn't always between lovers, as it is moft often considered. It is found first in friendship. Those who go day in and day out with each other at their side. Your source of laughter when times are good, your crutch when times are bad. They are those who you can depend on in any situation. Those who would give their life at the drop of a hat. In more ways than one, they are your family, not by birth, but by tears and laughter. These are the people who truely love you for who and what you are.
It's funny as I sit here at my desk and write this. Reading it makes it feel as if I were writing a letter trying to give hope to someone and then seeing the address on the envelope is mine. I really don't understand how much my friends really care. When I'm upset or frustrated, they know it and they're always there to help regardless.
Now that I think of it, my whole mentality of friendship from when I was really young till about Freshman year in high school was that it wasn't real "love". It wasn't the kind you got out of a girlfriend or any family member. It was just the mutual agreement of "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours". They were only a friend for the benifits they got out of it.
While that may have been true back then, it most certainly has a new meaning now. Is my perception of friendship clouded because of my past? Sure, its not making things easy to work out, but every day is a new way to learn what friendship really is. My friends, Jeremy, Sean, Lizzie, Brigham (or Alex, whatever he wants to be called nowadays), Jen, Lisa, Tony, my cell group, and any others I forgot to mention. These are the people who've picked me out of anyone in the world and can say, "He's my friend." It could have been anyone else, so how does it end up with me?
I suppose its my own insecurity that blinds me notice what it is they see in me. What makes me stand out from all the others? I don't really know, maybe its something good, I should hope so.
Sorry, I'm takin' this train offroad, I'll swing it back on subject. So as I was saying, friends are your family. These are the people who want to be in your life. These are the people who give a damn about what happens to you. They are people you can rely on for support when things don't seem to hold up. They are there to help you go through your life, as you are to help them get through theirs. These are the people who "love" you.
Now Playing - "Jars of Clay - Flood"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 12:10 AM
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Wednesday, December 03, 2003
Stress sickness?
Lately I've been real sick to my stomach and haven't been eating much because of it. The second I think of eating, I feel very nausious and sick to my stomach as if I had eaten something really horrible. Its really starting to get to me, cause its affecting me and how I feel during each day.
I hear that stress can make you sick like this. Maybe I'm just thinking and worrying about too many things right now that its shutting my body down. But its hard to stop worrying about things for me. I know things will be fine, I trust that they will be, and yet, I'm still scared? Its a really odd feeling, especially when mixed with this stomach nausea.
Human emotions. They're so powerful that they can instantly change the status of your body and its functions.
Now Playing - "Plankeye - Scared"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 5:09 PM
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All writings, poems, and rants are Copyright © Ryan Bach. If you want to use my writings, contact me first!
