Realm of Thoughts

"The strongest voice of all is that of your own mind. Let its speech not be hindered."

Xx.friends.xX

Xx.places.xX

.xX OC Remix Xx.

.xX RavenFrost Arts Xx.

.xX FFI 8-Bit Theatre Xx.

.xX Megatokyo Xx.

Xx.Messageboard.xX

Xx.profile.xX

.xXProfileXx.

Xx.archive.xX

free hit counter

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Living life; page to page

I could stare at this "New Post" screen all day and think of all the things I could jot down here to tell the world of my life. I could write a book, perhaps, of my life in the last few months, telling all about what Ryan Bach really is, what he feels, and what he thinks. And yet, no one would understand even after knowing it all. Maybe because I don't surely understand my life, either.

How ironic that life was given to us from God, and we cannot even understand the gift completely. We cannot use it to its full potential, instead we run in wild random circles, thinking we know what's best. Life, in itself, has become much different from what it once was. Once full of time to share with others our experiences, now robbed of opportunity and chance to join with others in the storytelling of our lives. I miss the storytelling. I miss sharing life with another.

To better understand my life, I must listen to others. I must hear their story; learn from their mistakes, learn from their risks, and learn from their victories. I can apply more to my life through the lives of others, thus learning more of myself.

But no one shares their story anymore. A book sealed up and locked away in the drawer of their heart. For their own reasons, they choose not to look back upon their life and understand it. For some, the pages are too painful to turn. For others, it's the words written in sweat, blood, and tears; they dare not look upon them again.

However, one must realize that life is a gift. We did not create it, nor did we think ourselves into being. We were simply "given". And no matter what pages may be written in your book of life, good or bad, we must realize that life was given to us. Not just in birth, but with each coming day. Every day is a chance to either change your life, or go steady along the path. And as the pages be written in your life, you cannot forget what it is you have done. Even those harmful chapters of your life cannot be erased. They brought you to today. To another chance to write a chapter about change and victory.

There is no eraser or white-out for the pages that have been written. There is simply another chance to change. For that, we must live our lives day to day. Page to page.

Now Playing - "Ottmar Liebert - After The Rain"

Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 1:17 PM

.xXx.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, April 23, 2004

Pick up the pieces

Broken
By Ryan Bach

Built up on a heart’s assurance
Brought out into a place I could feel at home
Believing everything would be better

Remember every feeling you left inside
Reading deeply into the words that were said
Reality hitting me hard when the facts came out

Oh, if I could disown this life
One of lost hopes and dreams
One of broken promises

Killing me deep down to my core
Keeling over in this pain
Kept from escaping into the open world

Everyone sees me doing fine
Ephemeral efforts to hide it
Ethereal and false happiness

Never going to stop loving her
No one else seems to understand
Now what lies ahead for me?

Now Playing - "Coldplay - Beautiful World"

Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 12:08 AM

.xXx.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Post Reply: Open your books

Jody had posted this little set of instructions.

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the 2nd sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal.

Here are my findings from Tom Clancy's Teeth of the Tiger.

He'd lost his wife and three children in an accident on Interstate 185 just outside of Columbia, South Carolina, their station wagon crushed beneath the wheels of a Kenworth tractor-trailor.

Gruesome.

Now Playing - "(F-Zero) OC Remix - JigginJonT - Silent Progression"

Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 10:47 PM

.xXx.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, April 19, 2004

Aaaannnnddd.....ACTION!

Started off my music video project yesterday with the help of Josh, Jeremy, and Doug. The first scene we filmed was a mugging of myself by the tactical hobo, Rico. Worked out pretty well as we got a few different angles, allowing me to use "more" out of the actual scene. The second scene was my escape from the "second mugging". This is where I realize that the day has been repeating itself and I see Rico coming to mug me...so I run accross the street as Doug drives down it to prevent me from being followed. If Doug had run me over, however, my escape would've been less...um....desired than a second mugging.

Anyway, I've got a few more scenes lined up for my project. A bit vague to you readers, but I know exactly what I want to do with 'em.

Alarm Clock/Wake-up scene
Friend Fight scene
Disgruntled Parents scene
F Grade Paper scene
Mad Boss scene
Church Scene

And that's about all the ones I can think of right now.

Now Playing - "The Verve - Bitter Sweet Symphony" (Over and over and over again)

Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 8:36 AM

.xXx.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, April 17, 2004

Under the influence

This may just be the Vicatin talking, but lately I've been feeling apathetic to my world around me. As if all that were going on as of late didn't matter. What I do today may not matter tomorrow, what I did yesterday may not pertain to today. Yet, somehow, every day is interconnected with each other. One leading to the next, though what was done one day may not have anything to do with the next. And that makes me wonder. Why? Why yesterday? Why today? Why tomorrow?

How do my thoughts and actions of today affect tomorrow's outcome? If nobody were to know what I do each day, who would know of it's significance other than I? Why should I carry thoughts of love and care towards another, when they may never know or understand it? What good have I done? They know not what I do for them, so it becomes used and betrayed.

Why should I care so much? Because I 'want' to. Because I 'feel'. Because there's nothing I can do better than putting myself last for the sake of another's well being. I'd put myself through hell on earth before I let someone else do it. Maybe I just follow God's command for compassion, but what reward is there when that person you look out for has become lost, despite your efforts? A gift in heaven? Why should that matter? I just want that person to be free from what their life has given them. To understand the freedom given by God. I don't care about what the afterlife holds. The here and now is what matters.

You can't save someone from heaven. So why, when giving your best effort to love another, is it so hard to get results from compassion? What is the "purpose"? Is it the principle of "loving one another," or is it the real reason you must love one another. Is it for your own personal mindset, or the actual act of building another person up? So why do I not receive any outcome from my best efforts? Why has it all gone downhill?

Again, after all this, if there be no results from compassion, why should I care?

Because it is commanded of me. Whether the person I show it to chooses to suffer or not.

Perhaps the person I love chooses to continue in their life as it has been shown to them and the problem is not with me. But then, how is my compassion helping if it does not change how they feel about their life? How am I helping?

When will I have an answer to this timeless debate?

The fact is that I do care about my world around me. I care so much it hurts. But where lies the purpose to my pain? Where is the truth to my reality?

Now Playing - "(Final Fantasy 7) OC Remix - Ceracryst - Heart's Anxiety"

Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 11:09 PM

.xXx.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, April 16, 2004

Lacking Wisdom

Yesterday I went to have my wisdom teeth removed and it went pretty well. I felt woozy for about an hour after the surgery, but I'm doing pretty well as far as recovery goes. The pain is bearable, even without the painkillers. But that's to be expected cause I have such a high tolerance for pain killers. I dunno why, but even the Vicatin they prescribed me wasn't doing much; it may have turned down the magnitude of the pain, but not by much.

You're not allowed to eat any solids, but drinking liquids is just as hard because you can't use straws or stuff like that...you kinda have to let it fall into your mouth as you try to slide it to the back of your throat and swallow. Not an easy task. But I can have all the pudding and frosties I want. Soup broth is staple to my diet for at least a week, I should think. Hopefully I'll be able to have the noodles soon.

Now Playing - "(Chrono Trigger) OC Remix - djpretzel - Revival Day Impoetus"

Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 11:00 AM

.xXx.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, April 12, 2004

Keep your eyes on the prize!

Todays schedule:

11:00 am-??:?? am = Dentist Consultation
1:00 pm-3:00 pm = Driving Grandpa Miller
4:00 pm-4:45 pm = Chiropractor appointment
5:00 pm-6:45 pm = Preparing Computer for LAN party/Getting drinks for LAN party with Sean
7:00 pm-8:00 pm = Choir Practice/Pick-up Camera for Digital Imaging Project
8:15 pm-10:00 am = LAN Party!

And I'm off!

Now Playing - "Michelle Branch - Everywhere"

Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 9:42 AM

.xXx.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, April 08, 2004

TGTIF

(Thank God Tomorrow Is Friday)

Cause if it wasn't, I don't know how many more days of being behind in my sleep I could go.

I've been resorting to half-sleep in my classes when there isn't much going on. I've caught myself almost falling alseep completely a few times. My friends mentioned to me later in the day that they saw my head slowly swaying back and forth in a battle to stay awake.

It's been a rough week. I've had to finish up my poster for Fountain Valley High School in my digital imaging class, and I'm happy to say that I'll most likely be finished by tomorrow morning. I'm stressing a bit about the music video that I've gotta do because I've got only two weeks after spring break to work on it. So that really doesn't leave me with much buffer time, especially since it took me about 3 weeks to work on that surfing video I made. And there's no speeding the process cause, well, I'm working on a Macintosh. It can't be helped.

I've also been working on this Hamlet explication essay all week, and I just finished the final draft tonight. Can't say I changed a whole lot from the first draft, but that's because I'm generally happy with my first drafts. The teacher tends to like my style of writing so, I'm hoping I'll get a decent grade.

Once those are taken care of, the only thing left on my mind right now is catching up on sleep....and LAN.

Oh, and I feel the need to tell you that for the first time in my school's history since I've been there, they have played some good ole rock during lunch, and EVERYONE enjoyed it. They usually feel the need to play some emo or rap, which not everyone has an appetite for. But we all know everyone loves rock. Somewhere deep inside everyone, there's a rock song.

Now Playing - "School Of Rock - School Of Rock"

Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 11:15 PM

.xXx.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

A piece of my mind

Here's a recent entry from my journal dubbed "The Unseen Mind," which now seems contradictory now that I'm posting it. Oh well.

There’s someone out there for everyone. That’s what they all say to you when they’re holding the girl of their dreams in their arms. All those who already have are more hopeful for those who don’t because the loss does not concern them. They do not understand what it is to be alone anymore. Why should they? Their nights of loneliness have long been forgotten. Replaced by what solace they have found in someone else.

But what is there for us who do not have? Wake up every morning, go throughout an endless day, return home, and go to sleep, only to wake up again the next day and do it again. Sure you meet people throughout your day, but friends can only fill so much of the void.

They tell me to look at each day as a wonderful thing, to see the greatness of it, but I doubt they would be so happy if they had no girlfriend or boyfriend to comfort them and be with them throughout the day. If they no longer had what they do now, I’m almost certain they’d be as content with life as I. But they don’t realize what they have has been given to them by God Himself. No, they take it for granted because it came so easily for them. And that is why I cannot listen to their proclamations that the world is a great place to be. They already have their reason to believe that, and I do not. Love does not come easy for me.

For awhile, I thought I did, but somehow that was ripped from me. Relationships are non-existent in my life. I’ve never had one. Maybe that’s because I never sought an immature relationship. I don’t want some stupid relationship that’s doomed to end before it even starts. I don’t want to have one for “fun”. I take it seriously. I desire to have a family someday. I want to have a child, a son or a daughter. I want a family, but everyone takes my seriousness as if I wanted it in the near future or as if I had to be certain the person I love was "the one". I don’t. I want to go through a normal relationship first. Certainty comes later. I would give anything just to have someone to love who would love me back just the same. Perhaps there’s no such thing in this world, but even an illusion of that would nice.

We who watch from behind the stage of life through the eyes of impartiality look upon this world in wonder of how so many are fooled by the system. And in our wonder, we find ourselves caught up in it as well. Aware of it’s presence, yet unable to change anything.

Now Playing - "No Vacancy - Heal me, I'm Heartsick"

Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 11:13 PM

.xXx.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, April 05, 2004

Some kind of zombie

It really sucks that my originally intended "short nap" turned into a 3 hour nap, which is about an hour and a half too long. It doesn't help that we had to set our clocks an hour ahead of what I like to call "body time". My mind is so confused, but I suppose that to be fixed in time.

I got back at about 11 o'clock after 4 or 5 hours of straight driving last night. Sleep came pretty quick last night, and 7:00AM came really early. I was lucky to make it to school more or less on time. I was so dead today! I didn't feel like doing anything. I still don't feel like doing anything, and yet, I have a explication essay to rough out.

It's an explication essay on a selected passage taken from Shakespeare's Hamlet. I already don't like the book, and so now I must write an essay explaining it to someone as if they were a child who didn't know their own butt from a whole in the ground they walk. I really don't want to write it. Bleh...

And so I write anyway, good night.

Now Playing - "Anberlin - Glass To The Arson"

Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 8:02 PM

.xXx.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, April 01, 2004

Wasn't today the first of April?

I really couldn't tell. I guess I'm pretty disappointed, I was expecting quite a few people to at least try some small prank, even if it was lame. But no, not once today did I experience a prank. Alas, the day is not over yet, maybe I'll get one tonight at church, but I highly doubt it.

Two of my teachers felt nice enough to give me some decently sized projects. Yet another reason to look forward to Spring Break. Which reminds me, I gotta get started on my music video! AHHHHH!

In other news, I present to you the funniest thing I've heard today. A masterpiece of music (if that's what you want to call it) from Nobuo Uematsu, or is it?

Now Playing - "(Final Fantasy)OC Remix - Nobuo Uematsu - Retentions of Conflict"

Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 5:47 PM

.xXx.

------------------------------------------------------------------