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Sunday, September 18, 2005
The real gift
Such a coincidence that I would be here typing the night of my birthday. In bed asleep would have been one of my predictions.
I realized what birthday's were all about this week. Where my mother and my step-father would celebrate it for the sake of celebrating it, it bothered me that there wasn't much effort or feeling behind the occasion. It was almost as if they had to do it because they had celebrated my brother's a month before. I wont go into detail, but the overall feeling I got the whole night was that everyone was there because they felt they had to be, not because they wanted to be.
These last three days have meant more to me than any birthday celebration before. I got to spend my birthday with my dad, my mom, (Yes, my parents are divorced, but the woman my dad remarried has stepped up and never once rejected me, even if I was a little shit when I was younger. So she rightfully gains the title.) and Jesse, the only true family I have left. They've always been there for me, and even when they couldn't, they were always making sure I knew they wanted to be. Whenever I screwed up, they encouraged me instead of putting me down for it. They tried to help me recover from my mistakes instead of putting more obstacles in my way. Anyway, this weekend they showed me the real gift of family. I couldn't trade 'em for anything in the world. I don't need presents, or cakes, or candles, or any of that stuff. They're nice to have, but without family, they are empty. Such is the way I felt at my birthday dinner with my mom and my step-dad, and now I know why.
I've found that anything you try to do, you couldn't do half as well without the encouragement of family. Whether they're biologically your family or not, I feel anyone close enough to your heart belongs in your family. Without them, things are so much harder, and it's so hard not to give up. And in this world, giving up is not an option.
Now Playing - "Jimmy Eat World - Pain"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 11:40 PM
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Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Everything will be alright
I can't help but stay up late tonight, wondering whether everything will turn out alright. There are so many uncertain things in this world, and even what I knew doesn't help much now. I've learned so much through school and friends, but none of it ever could prepare(protect) me from what the "real" world could really do.
Things are out of my control, and it's almost like I'm being pulled by the current of my life, while my mind is struggling to stay above water while it moves swiftly on. I'm just trying to keep all the loose ends together while things come and go.
I'm looking into a new job as I've decided my current one really can't provide enough cashflow. It's tough cause my mom just started making me pay rent because she feels I'm not "responsible" enough. Most who know me would say otherwise, but in her eyes, I'm so immature. Again, another contradiction of reality. Ask anyone and they'll tell you I'm too serious and mature. Its all a misunderstanding of perception though because my mom refuses to walk a mile in my shoes. Hell, telling her how hard it is right now is like telling a professional track runner that running the mile is really tough. It's not like they'd really remember how hard it is, they're too stuck on the fact that it's so easy for them.
Anyway, God helps those who help themselves, so I'm working to get another job. Whether it's a completely different job, or if it's a secondary one working for Len (even though working under him back then was stressful enough). I want my life to take a turn for the better. I can't control the circumstances, I can't control what has and what will happen, I can only control my reaction to each and every situation. Realizing that is hard, because I'd really like something good to come down our way.
People always tell you that it's all gonna work out when times are the roughest, and it's almost seemingly a curse. Those people who say that are so confident in their own situation that they figure everyone will eventually reach the security they have one day, and if someone wasn't there yet, they encourage us to wait a little longer and perhaps it'll get better. It's such a half-assed comment though, cause they say it gets better, but rarely do they ever offer any help.
They would walk up to someone, knowing that the person is having a huge problem and telling them it's all gonna be puppy dogs and kittens, and then walking off feeling as if they did someone to help encourage the troubled person. Nothing is offered, and they'll probably never talk about it again. I know, I've done it.
So if you're going to say it's going to get better, do something to help out or don't say anything at all. As I've come to learn lately, words without actions are meaningless.
Now Playing - "Shawn Mullins - Lullaby"
Posted by Ryan Bach .xXx. 2:03 AM
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All writings, poems, and rants are Copyright © Ryan Bach. If you want to use my writings, contact me first!
